Daily news
Today we learned about the environment department, we have to learne more laws and that's very interesting but also very dry and so,.... tiring.
Couldn't keep my eyes open in the afternoon,...
But i wasn't the only one with that problem.
Finally we could go home.
Tomorrow we are going to the cityhall, we are taken the oath (because we are working for the government) with the maire of Rotterdam: Ivo Opstelten, you can choose if you want to swear or make a promiss. That's depending on if you're religious or not. So i am going to make a promiss. We are also having a lunch with Ivo, afterwards. So i am very excited, have to iron my blouse!
LOL
Walk on
U2 LYRICS "Walk On"
And love
It's not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
Before the second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk onWalk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk onWalk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom
Walk onWalk on
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk onWalk on
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk onWalk on
Home
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one
Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going
Home
That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you care
It's only time
And I'll never fill up all my mind (??)
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
And all that you scheme
All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate
Daily news
Emptyness.
I feel so empty.
No one special.
There isn't anyone,
I am not in love.
Why,.. why,..
Tears,
tears,
I feel so empty,
Oh, love where are you,...
Stuck in the moment and i just can't get out of it
Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of - By U2 (album: All that you can't leave behind)
I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight,
carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I will not forsake,
the colours that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears,
and through your eyes I can see
And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now... my oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep...
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
Daily news
Today i had my birthday, but didn't do anything with it. My boys were singing for me in the morning, i found that very sweet.
Yesterday evening i baked 3 different cakes to bring to school today.
When i came home i saw so many e-cards from all over the world, so nice from all my internet friends, also i've got a set of real postcards from my girlfriend from Ireland, we met only in july but we are already very close.
I checked Veiled Conceit and, so nice, on my Birthday, i saw there was a new post, and they used one that i mentioned, so that was very funny.
I am very honoured.
So now after i saw also a few good friends on-line, i can go to sleep like a rose, going to get into a new lifeyear.
Daily news
Today was something else,...
I had a n experience at school, one of the teachers gave me his telephone number, for a reason i will not explain here, but it is very excited now,...
And when i came home from school, there was a letter in the hall with the news that i am divorced september 15th!
So, strange to know it like this,....
Than my ex called to talk about something else and i told him that we are divorced, and he didn't know it yet!!!
Anyway it was a very strange day,...
I saw in the New York times, that Russell Crowe was about to buy a rugbyteam, they told that he is upto 7 years in an american prison because of a phonethrowing incident in a New York hotel, but then i remebered my own phonethrowing incident but it wasn't with Russell Crowe!
Tomorrow i will meet my ex for the first time after we are really divorced, because of my kids schooltrip, but it is very odd.
I have no regrets at all, but still,...
Daily news
This morning i've got a delishes massage from my oldest son, because my back was hurting very much. He is almost 13. Very healthy and adorable, playing keyboard very nice and he's a very good hockeykeeper, and is doing great at school. So i am very proud of him of course.
Last week i was thinking a lot of the time i almost lost him.
When he was 2 years, a doctor came to look at him in our house, when i called, to see my son. He was already 4 days very ill and because i had a bad feeling about it i called the doctor. Because it was at night i had to call a replaced Dr. for my own housedoctor. My son is asthmatic and was known in the childrens department of the hospital, but you couldn't go there in the night, you need a housedoctor, that saw him first and make a phone cal that it is really needed to go to the hospital.
He was already irritated when i called him, i had to insist that i want him to check on my son, so he came. And then he was checking him very quickly and said, oh young parents always worrie to much.
He said there was nothing to worrie about, it was only a virus, so he said. When he was not better in 5 days i should call again. Give him paracetamol. And off he went.
But the next morning i saw my son and it was just if i was loosing him, so i called the hospital, the childrens department, they said that the doctor was full all day, but i insisted, and than they said i could come in the lunchtime of the doctor. So i went there, with a taxi, having that small piece of child in my arms, i walked into the poli-clinic, and when i walked in, the doctor saw us and immediately stood up, and came in action.
Then everything was going so fast, finally there was help.
After a half hour or so, my son was laying in a hospitalbed in IC, had already prednison and other medication, and X-rays and Blood-check up, and everything.
And then i heard what was the cause of everything, a double ammonia.
In an advanced stage. When i was waiting let's say maybe 1 or 2 hours longer, he could be death!
And now we were not sure if he was going to make it also.
It took 3 full days, before there was a sign that he was going to stay with us. So i was crying a lot in that time, and was also walking around with plans for murdering a doctor.
Oh,.. what a terrible time that was, but the pediatrist was awesome. He came even at night, back from home to check up on my son. I had to ask if it was really possible that the doctor that came to our house didn't hear anything when he was checking his longs yesterday, since the ammonia was in such an advanced stage one day later, and this doctor said: No that isn't possible!
He had to send you to the hospital rightaway.
And he helped me with making an attest towards this rotten bastard of a doctor.
So about those 3 days, i was there all the time next to my son, and i had a terrible headache. I lost my father only 2 weeks earlyer. There was a very odd thing happening. My son was lying very quiet al the time not moving at all for many days already, and suddnly he moved his hands to the window, there was no one standing there, i was on the other side of his bed. But it was if he wants to be picked up.
It can be very strange when you didn't see it with your own eyes, but i always had the idea that it was my father there with us in the room. And i always think that my son was trying to go to his grandfather. But it didn't happen, i am so happy for that, maybe it was also a help from my father that he didn't want him to die yet. We shall never know that for sure, but i can't forget it. So maybe there is more between heaven and earth.
Stay visible and Stranger - Simple Minds (Black & White)
Stay visible
The roads open wide, and there is a space for two of us.
If we could slip under the wire, we'd wait here, just stay here a while.
Slumped my body's tired, and this fear, it's never let me sleep.
In your smile, this trial elates.
And in your eyes, i see mothers open gates.
If fortune would smile there'd be room here for two of us.
And i would burn myself through the wires.
With this hate, concentrated, unearthed, disparate,
all of this in time.....once in a while,
If peace held for two of us,
or if we could show mercy awhile, with patience.
Transcending this coldness, never ending, thru time.
Because if home still matters.
And if these bones, were not battered.
What state then, i'm so desperate,
stuck within a hollow shell,
in some forgotten state....
come tear the dirt from my eyes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stranger
Tell me why?
Do you know what were looking for?
Any truth in the rumours i ignore?
Tell me why, i still deny?
Anytime secrets, in every sound.
I can keep my feet up of the ground.
I'm in the air reeling everywhere.
There's something new and i must say,
it makes me feel so super real.
Just look and you'll find.
We are drifting thru space and time.
Stranger, beautiful stranger,
come tell me if you are, the silent star, explain!
Stranger, beautiful stranger.
I wonder if you are the silent star, explain.
Tell me why, do you know what were looking for?
Any truth in the rumours i ignore?
Then tell me why i still deny?
Summertime winter, moonlight and the sun,
i get the feeling this has just begun.
And yes it feels so super real.
Look and you'll find.
We are moving tru space and time.
Tell me who you are.
Tell me who you are.
Who are you?
(lyrics by Kerr)
Time/Tijd --- Vasalis
Tijd
(uit „Parken en woestijnen“)
Ik droomde, dat ik langzaam leefde ....
langzamer dan de oudste steen.
Het was verschrikkelijk: om mij heen
schoot alles op, schokte of beefde,
wat stil lijkt. 'k Zag de drang waarmee
de bomen zich uit de aarde wrongen
terwijl ze hees en hortend zongen;
terwijl de jaargetijden vlogen
verkleurende als regenbogen .....
Ik zag de tremor van de zee,
zijn zwellen en weer haastig slinken,
zoals een grote keel kan drinken.
En dag en nacht van korte duur
vlammen en doven: flakkrend vuur.
- De wanhoop en welsprekendheid
in de gebaren van de dingen,
die anders star zijn, en hun dringen,
hun ademloze, wrede strijd ....
Hoe kón ik dat niet eerder weten,
niet beter zien in vroeger tijd ?
Hoe moet ik het weer ooit vergeten ?
*I'll try to translate it later. (CM)
Time by Vasalis (I only translated it without rhyme)
I dreamed, that i lived slowly....
Slower than the oldest stone.
It was terrible: around me
Everything grew up, shocked or trembled,
What seemes quiet, í saw the urge with what
the trees themselves pushed up out of the earth,
While they hoarsely and jerky sang;
While the seasons flew
Colouring as rainbows....
I saw the tremor of the sea,
His swollowing and again hasty shrink,
As a big throat can drink.
And day and night short of lenght
flames and put out: flickering fire
-The despair and eloquence
in the gestures of things,
Which are different stiff, and their hustly,
Their breathless, cruel struggle....
How couldn't i know earlyer,
not see better in earlyer time?
How must i forget it, ever?
Cry-James Blunt
I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.
You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.
I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
Daily news
Today I went again to school, we are learning all about (the fiscal) way to parc your car, wow what a lot of ways you have to pay. Even I learned so much today!!!
All the in and outs, from the fiscal department, our practice trainers. The men are all type "bodybuilder without brain" but this is so generalistic, they really aren't stupid, and I enjoy to learn from them.
We had a few good laughs again, but I was very happy when they calle it a day. Than i came in the file back home, so i was totally finito when I came home, But I know there was no coffee left so I went on my bicycle to the store very quickly.
Oh,.. I had such a funny experience in the supermarket, there I was in the row putting my things on the conveyor belt, than I saw a man behind me without errands, so I thought that there would come a friend or wife with some later on. But when it was my turn, I saw that he was still alone, so I asked him do you want to go before me? Then I saw that he had only one little package, and I said: You have only one little thing!
Well the man was a little bit silent and went in front of me laying a package of condoms down on the belt.
So after he payed to the girl, he turned around and said to me: Thank you for letting me go first,.... I: your welcome,....The girl said: Have a nice day sir! And I said: Well, I think that he is going to have that.....
(Oh,..couldn't keep my mouth)
Now after I helped my son to bed, I am so proud of him, my youngest, only 8 years old, having PPD-nos, and he is so adjusting to everything, all the chances, in our lifes.
But it makes me cry sometimes, when I think of him and how he is doing his best while he find everything so hard.
Oh,.. the nights, they are the hardest, can't stop thinking....
For you - Me
Oh,... when i look at you
The man in blue
When you operate
Your life all dedicate
I was drowning in your eyes, thought to see
A sparkle that was meant for me
I remember that night
When you decide
It wasn't meant for us
I have to let go, thus...
I have to decrease thinking about you
Oh,...it's hardly to do
I always will remember july
It felt like i could fly
September 11
What a day this is. I have to remember what happened 4 years ago.
The whole world in despair,...
All misery,... there is nothing to compare.
The only thing we can do is to remember.
Honesty-Billy Joel
BILLY JOEL "Honesty"
www.OldieLyrics.comIf you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathizeIf
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the only one that I depend on
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
BILLY JOEL - "Honesty" lyrics
Nothing else matters-Metallica
8. Nothing Else Matters[HETFIELD/ULRICH/HAMMET]So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words
I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters
Daily news
This week is the last week of the 5 weeks school, for my new job as a city surveillant. We had a theoretic exam last monday, which results aren't there yet. And tomorrow we are having a practical part with an actor, so we have to play a situation that we give a summon to someone.
But now i am a little bit affraid, because the man that teache us this last week is try to root in my past. Asking all kind of questions about if i am hurt. He said that he could see that i was damaged, and he had his questions about if i could do this work.
I don't have a good feeling about all of this.
The first 4 weeks were going so fine, but now insecurity comes, because of this whole situation.
This man is so confronting,.... don't like that at all.
Everybody said to me that i am a strong person, and i am an example for a woman in my class, she said that she find me so tough.
So i don't really know what to do with his words, but it made my very uncomfortable with the whole situation.
Bah,.... why is that happening now,...
Most people have things that are happened in their pasts, so what's the difference with me?
Okay, maybe i have going through more than most, and i never had a really good back up system.
But i came out of all the misery, i did that myself.
I am a fighter, don't sit down with my grieve, but i always go on.
Oh,.. i don't know it anymore, sometimes it is to much.
I'm affraid now that, because the teacher i had the past 4 weeks, she knows about my sister, and she find out for me what her adress is. Not that i will go there. but i know that she still lives. Now with these questions today, i really have no idea what to expect anymore.
I really have to have this job, when it is failing,... don't want to think about it. I can't fail now, my kids depend on me.
Tonight,...
Tonight i am again very said, my friend.
I am so lucky to have so many friends. This moment i need it so much.
It's not normal anymore, when i think about it it's unbelieveble.
When i caunt my luck.
This year will be a very different birthdayparty for me, all new friends and the old friends together, i am surrounded by so much love.
It's not believeble, so there must be a god after all.
I am doing so miserable in love matters, he made it up with the love of so much girlfriends.
Oh,.. but then i have to cry,....
Because a lot of my friends have a miserable live also,... i can cry and cry,.... i am so sad about everything.
I was just chatting with Sylvia, her storie is not to tell, but i feel for her she and i have so much in common,...than there is Trudy,..... what a life you had girl, and now i am so proud of you what you achieved, and this married man: dump him as soon as you can!!!!!! You're worth so much more girl! Then Marina,... you are better off without Tony, he's a bastard to let you go through all this and you deserve a whole lot more too.
I don't want to talk about me.
Than there is Linda,... this is the saddest story,...
....she found true love,... married,... and than he's got leukemia and died.
Oh,.... why, why, why,.....
i can't understand what is this for a life,...that i'm in.
Can't see why.
The only reason i can imagine, someone brought us all together for a reason, we can help each other trough this rotten time of our lives, we are all having.
And now i am going to send you an sms, because i need to know if you're allright. *cry*
Open harbour days- Rotterdam
I went to the "open harbourdays" in Rotterdam, an event that comes back every year. It was nice weather so we went there by bicycle. It was very spectaculair with 2 helicopters that are doing a recue action on the river. This event remembered me to the open harbourdays when i was 25.
Then i had my goodbye/birthdayparty. And also i had fireworks from it at the end of my party, hahaha.
I was moving to another town because i had to go somewhere i couldn't be found. My ex=partner that time, wanted me death. Because i left him after almost 7 miserable years.
During the party and moving to the other town he was in prison for raping me and an attempt to kill me.
He was in my house one night, surprised me suddenly in my bedroom with a knife. He was cutting me queit immediatly so the blood was everywhere and i really thought: this is the end. And i felt blood getting out of my system and i felt down,....
But then he was pulling my arm and said i have to close all drapes in the house so i did that. I still lived.
Then i act, and i was to urn an oscar for that,.. because i was playing the role of my life. I saved my life with it.
I made him believe we where going to be together again.
But the police told me later that he had a sellar for me.
I was so lucky to get out of all of this.
He had a house with a sellar and wanted to take me there, when he wanted to put me into a car with blindwindows i thought: i don't go in there whatever happens, so i was screaming and fighting and he didn't get me in the car. I was to strong for him, mentally and fysical. Neighbours had to call the police and than it was almost ended.
He tryed to get me back into my house and i was resisting to go back in, and then finally the police came to rescue me. They arrested him and he was going to prison for 10 months. And by the time he as going out of prison i was living somewhere else.
So all that can open harbour days bring back to me.
There is more to tell, but i save that for another time.
One step closer -- U2 (vertigo)
Today i am to tired to write down a post, but this song was in my head since i was wondering........Do i ever get the answers i am waiting for?
"One Step Closer"
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything
I call my own
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward,
I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing......
Daily Post
This week was a very tiring week, at school we are doing so much about law and communicationtechnics, so i had the rose of Leary again, had that on the HBO-V also, and we did "roleplay" with each other and also with an actor.
Also we went outside a lot to train several things, such as portophone-use, that was very nice because a former policeman and i already have that knowlidge, we we may play the bad guys!! So we had to run in front and the others they were to find us, and that in an area with woods and a mall, that day it was 31 degrees C. so i was sweating a lot, but find that my condition was still good after this cold i was having. It was so much fun, to do! I was really enjoying myself, although it reminded me at times, i was running for my life for real. But that was many years ago. And my condition wasn't that good, even i was a lot younger than, i was a smoker, and the fear will also slow you down.
But anyway this week was also very tiring because of 2 pre-exams we had, the first was very good, so i thought i could relax a bit, but the 2nd was not so good, so that made us very unsecure. Thats why we were this morning at the home from a colleague with 5 of us, to study together and now we have 2 more days to learn. But i don't do anything today anymore because my brain can't take more today!!!
Yesterday after school, we went to a sportevent, and i was in a volleybalteam, me made it 2nd and we have a huge cup! That will come to the office we will be working from, so they can be really proud of us newbies. When we were in the final game there was our locationmanager in the opposite team, and he was a pro basketbalplayer in the States once, so what do i tell more, this was the winning team.
I was never good at volleyball, and yesterday at first i was having a lot of pain in my arms and fingers, but after a few games it goes better.
One of our chiefs was having hartfailure almost 2 weeks ago, but he was there also yesterday only to watch, we were very surprised to see him so soon. But glad to see he was doing allright again. One colleague was brought to the hospital with a turned knee an other was having a thump dislocated, so it wasn't without any risks.
To be continued.
