A crick in my neck
What a week.
It started with stress i guess, but now that i look back (au) i think i know what caused it.
I was to late at my sportlesson so i missed the warming up, the instructor warned me to be careful and take of slowly, and i did, at least i thought.
But now one week later i remembered it suddenly.
The next day when i was sitting at my desk to check my mail, there it was suddenly: this terrible pain in my neck, i feel it in my head and shoulder too.
I thought: what is happening???!
I had to go to my work soon so i went there, thinking that it would be over soon.
But it was getting worce, i really thought when i should wake up after a night sleep it would be over. But now one week later i know, that isn't the case.
I was so glad that my headaches were gone after more than 6 weeks i had antibiotic and i was free of paracetamol.
But now i am taking them again all week, it isn't to imagine without painkillers.
But they help only for such a short moment.
so finally i called the office to stay at home, than i get my next surprise: a gastrointestinal virus.
Well, am i being punished for something?
Now one week later, this virus is gone, but the crick in my neck is still there.
I called the office today that i will start again with work tomorrow, because i can't stay at home anylonger. I really needed to go out and i went to the mall, bought me some nice boots and the new DVD from U2, the vertigo tour recorded in Chicago.
No better therapy than retailtherapy.
But now that i am writing this, i am still suffering with so much pain.
There were also a few lichtpoints this week, results of 2 tests came, and they were good.
b.t.w. crick in my neck sounds so funny to me, everytime i say it.
In dutch a crick is something to lift your car, when you want to change your tires.
Daily reflections
Well, everything is going better.
I was feeling so down , but now i feel much better.
There was this competition on work, that isn't really necessary, b.t.w. but it is there, stupidly enough.
I talked to a girl, that really was a pain in my ass, and she is acting different now.
My kids are doing great, and i don't feel that everything is my fault anymore, thanks to a friend that is in the same situation, i see everything in another perspective. The kids are so great.
Than i feel much fitter than in a long time, because of the antibiotic, i am without headach since 6 weeks. I went this morning to the gym and the sauna and afterwards feeling great.
Then yesterday, that began as a disaster, i was crying and didn't want to go to the office first. Than i went there anyway, and we heard that we didn't do it very well (not being proffesional and all that shit), and when we didn't aprove we are still have a chance to get unimployed. So they made us really frightened.
After that we heard that we have to make a test... unexpected, to see if we have our knowlidge still there.
I did great, the best of all, so that made a chanche.
Now today everything was so much better, first the training so i started very fitt, then at work everything went well.
And i get home, my ex didn't gave me a reprimande about all the things i am doing wrong.
So when he went i still was feeling good and i can end this day so nice.
~~
There are days....
that you want to go by as soon as possible.
Today, i came home from work.
There is an atmosphere at work, that is not nice at all.
So i am not happy there, but that's another thing.
I have to work, i have no other choice.
So i came home from work, and i found my backdoor wide open, while my youngest kid was playing upstairs.
I was so frightened, because of what could have be happening, so i was yelling to him. But that's unfair, he is still so little, so i said to him that i was frightened. And that this never must happen again otherwise he have to go to afterschoolcare every day. Now he is there every wednessday, but he really hate it.
Now after that, my oldest son came home, and i said to him what happened, so he have to lock the door next time when he is leaving to hockeytraining. Not depending on my youngest to lock the door as he promissed now and forgat.
Then he said: mama, my school mentor is calling you later, because i have some insufficients.
And than the mentor called.
So she said there are some insufficients, but he is intelligent enough so we are both gonna put our finger on it, and then it will be going all right.
Now i talked with him and we will go for it together.
Then my ex send me an e-mail with everything i did wrong.
So there are from these days like this, than i really don't know if i am doing everything right.
At work there are a few things not right.
Maybe it's time for plan B
Todays recipe~~~chicory oven dish, with ham and cheese
French or Belgian (don't know that for sure)
Chicory cut and cooked, not well, only a little bit.
Potatoes cooked and than mashed with milk (and some black pepper and nutmegg)
then you make a ovendish fat and put breadcrumbs in it than put the chicory on it.
then you put ham on that, than cheese on that, than the mashed potatoes on thatand i like to put some cheese on top of that and than it gooes in the oven for 10 or 15 minutes till it is getting a brown top. Hmmmmm, now it's ready!
And i have something aside, called *blind finch*, hahaha, now thats too difficult to explain now. So i'll do that after we have had our dinner.
Last week~~~reflections
It was a very impressing week.
First the drama, then the consequences, we didn't really work because a big part of our work is looking after each other, when we are on the streets. But when everybody is in stress, than that can be irrisponsible. And because the most of us witnessed the whole drama, we could take the time to adjust.
Then the memorial ceremony was also very impressing. There where almost 400 people, maybe 300 of us in uniform, the rest family and friends, his wife said, that helped her a lot. When i went into the room there was first the Rolling Stones on, than U2.... and then it gets so close. There were also vlags of Feyenoord, his favourite soccerteam. And all the flowers were red and white also the colours from that team. Than after a few people spoke, the music from Feyenoord was playing.
It was overwhelming.
And now we have to go on....
~~
In memoriam of my colleague Rob
All That You Can't Leave Behind
"Kite"
Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did
'Cause hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin
I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone, anything at all
Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't wanna see you cry
I know this is not goodbye
In summer
I can taste the salt in the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me
I'm a man, I'm not a child
A man who sees the shadow behind your eyes
Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye
Did I waste it
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Rooftop to the basement
The last of the rockstars
When hip-hop drove the big cars
In the time when new media
Was the big idea
That was the big idea
Last week drama
This week we had the yearly party of my department.
So we all looked forward to it very much.
There was a bus we had to drive 200 km. to a hotel. It is a very luxery hotel with all kind of amusement. Most people of my office were going there.
And we all were in a very good mood! Singing in the bus, making jokes etc.
There we are, we had dinner, very good! All kind of fish and meat. You could have as much as you want.
Than after dinner you could go to a lot of places inside the hotel, there where all kind of bars and also dance and musicplace there was a lifeband playing, not my style so i didn't stay there. You could go to a swimmingpool, or play all kind of sports or plays, everything was included.
So my friend Trudy and i went to a walk around the place to see everything but we didn't like most of it. We had fun, that's because we laugh all the time no matter where we are.
So we walked around and then i said let sit some in that pub, on a quiet table, there was nice music on, sometimes U2 so i was in my element. I took at first a couple of coffee, but than the chief of our department came to sit with us, and it was a nice talk we had. Than there came more chiefs at our table. and it was a very nice time... so because i was very relaxed i took a wodka and i was in a very good mood, my chief was telling me how good i did my work, so i felt so good! It was very good for my ego.... then i had to go to the toilet very badly... i didn't want to go, was enjoying the talk to much. I had also bother of the smoke so i was coughing a lot and needed a puff very badly. So i went to the bathroom.
When i was ready and left the toilet i saw a colleague in the corridoor and she was crying so i went to her and ask what is the matter?
Then the drama began.
She said that another colleague of us, his nam was Rob, was falling down on the dancefloor and they are reanimating him now. So i looked in the direction she was looking and i saw it.
I asked what was happened, and she said he was dancing and then suddenly he felt down.
She said: it isn't good!
So i run to the pub i was sitting before to inform the chiefs.
All things were going so fast, the ambulance came and they take over the reanimation.... we were taking away to another room, there where a few colleagues yelling and another man was having heartfailure so he needed to be reanimated as well, it was like if i was in the twilightzone....
We get coffee and had to sit down and we were all so down.....waiting for news......but i knew it wasn't good.
I really thought, he is not going to make it. I just knew.
Then the manager of the hotel came, and was telling it.
Rob was dead.
They did all they could, he said....
So everybody was crying or yelling, i was looking if i could help anyone, but i walked around from one to another colleague. Give my shoulder here and there...
I just knew Rob only for 3 weeks, so it is strange what an impact this had, it is also because of all the other collaegues, that knew him for 10 years or more, and how it happened.
But then we had to go back with the bus, without Rob....
I knew that the police was going to his girlfriend at this moment, to inform her and take her to the hospital where they brought him to.
So we went into the bus to go back, then they where counting us, and i thought: one less.
When we were riding halfway i thought: the girlfriend and his kids are maybe passing us now.
It was quiet in the bus everyone was quiet. And it takes forever, so it seems, to get back.
I will never go back to the Preston Palace!
To much memories.
Now the office is all in rest, we are going there everyday to be together, but don't go to the streets, that is not resposible. It is nessacairy in our work is that we have to watch out very good for each other. So when everybody is in stress, that would not be resposible.
Now tuesday we are going to the funeral, we are all going in our uniforms, so that will be impressing.
I've heard that the flowers are all in white and red, the colours of his favourite soccerteam.
There are 2 sons that he leave behind. 12 and 18 years old.... i know that i can't stop crying if i see them.
Now again there were many friends that had supported me, when i felt down. The same friends that are always there for me.
And as always a friend that isn't there for me when i need him....
Why?
Reflections
I have 3 weeks surveillance practice behind me, and now i at last i can say i have the feeling that we are a team. We had to get used to a lot of things, and also each other, but now it's really working fine. We are team A, so i always say that we are the A-team!
There was this week a fire were we just came by, so we stopped to help.
We came just by that street, and there was smoke coming out of the windows on the 2nd floor, also a woman with a baby was out of the window on the 3rd floor, some man were running with fire-annihilators, but they said that it wasn't possible to go in because of the heat. So it was waiting for the firebrigade.
They were already called and we could hear the sirens, we were speaking to people on the street to go further and look out for safety. Then also the police came and we told them our experiences. Also that there had to be an older woman inside, we heard that from a neighbour.
The fire brigade came with a laddercar and the woman with the baby were safe, very soon. Then the ambulance was arrived for the older woman that had inhaled smoke.
Everything was going so fast, in a few minutes the people were in safety.
It was nice to experience.
Then yesterday i was working late, we were walking in a street where the people who live there had turned everything into a real halloweenscene...very nice, they even had music outside and funny scary sounds.....Boehoehoe!!!
Maybe we can do that in our street next year.
Coming week on wednessday there is a party from work we are going to a luxery hotel, not to sleep. We are having dinner and there is a casino, cinema, swimmingpool and dancing. Looking forward to it.
One year ago
Today it is one year ago, that Theo van Gogh was murdered.
I thought about that day, i remembered when i've heard it:
in a shop i went to after my work, then i remembered, i was still working as a nurse then.
My life was so different as it is now, for more reasons.
Didn't have a clue about all the changes thei're to come....
Dearest,
There is something i want to let you know.
At this point i am so happy i have found you.
We have to see how things go,
see where this road led us to.
This year, so many tears have run,
then you came into my life, my friend.
Started with internet, music and more fun.
But i hope it doesn't end.
You make me feel so much alive.
I hope it don't take so much time,
to feel your presence in my life.
but i know.....you need time.
~~~~~~
